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Among other things, the idea of taking off my clothes and being naked in front of someone new terrified me enough to stay monogamous. He was married, with a 1-year-old and a 4-year-old. A few years ago, two women wrote a wildly popular, much-praised and much-vilified handbook for single women called The Rules.

His wife had told him that until the youngest reached the age of 5, she was “off-duty.” All the rules changed. People cheat for three reasons: to transition out of a marriage; to stay in a marriage; or because they just can’t stay monogamous. Below, I’ve listed what I see as The Rules for an Affair.

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Steven needed to have an affair to stay in his marriage. ) and was monitoring the electronic affair, missive by missive. Steven and I were checking into a fancy hotel in New York our first summer.

He told me he would never tell his wife that he was having dinner with me. On the eve of my 40th birthday, we went out for drinks at a hotel bar in midtown. He lives in Chelsea and I live on the Upper East Side, so we picked a neutral neighborhood-Soho-to minimize the risk of bumping into friend or foe. We had drinks at the Mercer and dinner at Balthazar. My husband asked me, teasingly, if I was having an affair. I was wearing a black summer dress with a long slit up the back, a new lacy black thong and high heels. We used these cards for all expenses associated with our affair. I wanted everyone to know that I was finally happy. It changes your social life: going out as a foursome doesn’t work. My true dear friends understood my predicament, understood my deep frustrations and supported my decision. Steven’s wife was disconnected from her reality as well. I wanted growth; I wanted sleepovers; I was sick of my secret. But I didn’t push hard for my husband to leave, because Steven wasn’t leaving his wife.

I asked him whether I was crazy, or was there something between us? Steven was concerned about the implications at work. I didn’t want to leave him; I said I’d drop him home in a taxi. We tumbled out of the cab onto a deserted street and, with a large umbrella shielding us, I gave him a blowjob. Steven and I planned an overnight to Washington, D. It was particularly useful when we used for getting a low-price New York hotel at the spur of the moment. You need to feel as though you can reach your lover at any time (even if you are deluding yourself). Lying to my husband was one thing; lying to my friends was another. You are a threat: Their marriage suddenly feels like it is at risk. One morning, she told him that she’d had a dream in which Steven was telling all their friends that they had a less than perfect marriage and that he was sleeping with someone else. I wanted to spend time with his family, he with mine. I wanted two, not four, adults in this relationship.

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